Pounce
I crawled on hands and knees
Down the hall and through the doorway.
I was stealth child
Sneaking into the bedroom.
I knew he was lying there,
I could hear him snore.
My approach was slow but swift.
Dust bunnies swirling about as I moved.
I peer above the bed
Viewing my prey
He sleeps still, soundly,
Not moving.
BOO!
I leap high and fast,
A panther pouncing.
Screaming, my father
Jerks awake!
I spend the day
In the solitude of my room...
I love this poem... Especially the "stealth child" line...I also like how you build the suspense... I can picture this little kid crawling along, s-l-o-w-l-y...In all reality, didn't you actually punch him in the nose...??Shaunna : )
Shaunna Gage April 22, 2010 at 8:04 AM
Oh, and one other comment... You changed the tense mid-way through...At the beginning you "crawled"... "I was"... "I knew"... You "moved"...The the tense changes to present... "I peer"... "Viewing my prey"... "I leap"... Your father "Jerks awake"...Just a small note in an otherwise wonderful poem...Shaunna : )
Shaunna Gage April 22, 2010 at 9:49 AM
Thank you for pointing this out. I really have a problem with this don't I! Seems to creep up more and more. Definitely something I need to be aware of.
Julie April 22, 2010 at 6:40 PM
You do seem to like to switch mid-stream... I do too... That is why I notice it when you do it!! LOLSCG
Shaunna Gage April 23, 2010 at 7:37 AM